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cross my heart.
10 October 2012 @ 11:24 am




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Current Mood: calmCALM
Current Music: 鼓動 [kodou] → Dir en grey
 
 
cross my heart.
When I first read the topic for this week, my first thought was "I'm not narcissistic." I don't think the world revolves around me, that's crazy! But, as I thought about the topic, I realized that I am a bit narcissistic.

After all, I have a livejournal that I hope people read and people comment on whatever I write, whether it be just about my day or about a trip I took. I have a tumblr - I want people to reblog the photos I post and take an interest in the blogs that I write (I don't write too many, though - photos are my big thing on tumblr). I also have a facebook that I write status updates on and post funny photos hoping people will comment on them or perhaps 'like it'.

But, I think that most of us, if not all of us are like that. I mean, all the people doing therealljidol clearly have to be narcissistic in some way, right? Yet, that's not how I think I'm narcissistic because, like I said we're all narcissistic in that way. For me, I'm narcissistic in what I talk about.

I don't talk about myself; on the contrary, I'm a very private person and I keep a lot of things to myself when it comes to my personal life. Sure, I love to talk about my travels and about interesting stories that happened to me, good or bad, but what I really like to talk about (more like love to talk about) is things I love and right now, that thing is Elvis Presley.

I've loved Elvis ever since I was a little kid; I grew up on that music thanks to my mom, but in more recent months (yes, you're reading that right - months), I've been more focused on him. I've read about him, I've collected pictures, bought Elvis memorabilia (t-shirts, jewelry, cds, dvds, etc.), seen his movies; the works. That's the stuff I like to talk about. I usually like to tell people the stories I've read about Elvis, the facts I know about Elvis, that kind of stuff because I find that to be interesting. Like the fact that Elvis had a twin, Jesse, who died at birth. It is a sad story, but an interesting fact, right? Or the fact that Elvis was actually blond (this one tore me to pieces when I found out because I always thought his hair was naturally black - damn him).

So, this is the stuff I like to talk about and half the time, I'm pretty sure people don't find it interesting like I do. They think I'm a little. . .strange or a little crazy. Of course, this is in jest (at least, I'm pretty sure it is) and it mostly comes from my co-workers because I like live at my job. But, even if it isn't in jest or if it is, it doesn't matter; they have listened to me. They've paid attention to me, if only for a few minutes. Of course, it isn't my story or something about me but again, who cares? They listened.

I, for a brief fleeting moment, was the center of attention. And, is that really a bad thing?


written for therealljidol week four. comments are loved and appreciated it. <3
 
 
Current Mood: rushedrushed
Current Music: hound dog ;; elvis presley
 
 
cross my heart.
The teacher tells me Thursday I have a week to write a five page, double spaced, 12 pt times roman font paper on one of the three topics based off the book we just read. Fantastic. A week is plenty of time to write it. I write pretty fast and I can easily bullshit stuff (because come on, we've all done that at some point or anything) if need be. So, a week; I have plenty of time.

After all, tonight I'm hanging out with my friends. Tomorrow I've got to work in the morning then at night, I've got a family dinner for my grandpa's 85th birthday. Then, the next day I'm stuck at work for a beautiful twelve hours, but that's life. Of course, then it is Sunday and we all know what that means - football! Monday is spent doing absolutely nothing except for chilling on the computer; Tumblr, Facebook, Livejournal, you know, the works and everything. After all, you know how much time you can kill on a computer? Plus, I don't have class, so I'll sleep in on Monday, too. Tuesday, we've got some classes, work and some laundry to do, no big deal and then Wednesday, Wednesday I've got -

Shit, that paper!

So, Wednesday is spent entirely (besides the time I'm not in class; thankfully I don't have work, whew!) on this stupid paper that I am totally bitching about because shit, this paper is stupid and why the hell do we have to do this? You (the teacher) read the book, you shouldn't have me talking about it and writing some completely ridiculous paper on it.

Of course, there wouldn't be this bitching had I not believed I had enough time, had not procrastinated (maybe purposely, maybe not) and I wouldn't be stressing out and thinking that shit has just hit the fan (because, in my mind, it totally fucking has).


Ah, the life of a college student.



written for therealljidol, week three. just under the wire! whew! :) any feedback is appreciated. <3
 
 
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: none.
 
 
cross my heart.
If I'm being honest, I hate this week's topic, for a number of reasons. One, I hate it because I'm not really religious. I believe in God, I believe in this about God, and a few other things, but I don't consider myself to be really religious. I don't go to church every week and I don't follow the bible. It just isn't how I operate. Two, I dislike this topic because I can't seem to find a way to spin it. I can't figure out anything I would like to write about and how I could spin the topic into something different; something that isn't religious. Like, music for example, like my love for Elvis Presley. I really have no way, in my mind, I can make it about those topics or any other topic. And, that frustrates me.

Wait, I lied. I think I might have something.

Here it goes;

I love writing. It is a massive passion of mine, ever since I was a young girl, as I'm sure it is to many of you who have joined therealljidol this year and the previous years. I wrote a number of things back then, usually things involving myself and a person/character I was interested at the time and no matter what, I never stopped writing. They were dreadful, when I look back at them, but I never thought they were dreadful. I thought they were awesome and I would always read them over, critique them, fix them. I thought I was good, decent even.

It was only when I got older, when I started getting into writing fanfiction, I realized that things began to change. I was, for the first time, putting things out for the public to read. I was nervous at first and I have never gotten over that nervousness. I still am (though I haven't posted a fanfic in over a year) and I realized that I've become more self-conscious of my writing. I've doubted myself a number of times, and not just doubted myself online, but in my real life as well.

Since I'm in college, I've taking a number of writing classes and I read some of the things that my peers write and I think it is amazing. I think they are way better than I am and when we would critique work, that would seem to be the case. I felt like my work was crap; that when somebody had to say something good about it, it was like pulling teeth to get them to say it. Of course, that wasn't always the case; people did like my work, there were just things that needed to be changed, that's all.

Though, that thought still doesn't shake this feeling that I'm really not a good writer; that I'm actually terrible and why the hell am I writing? Why the hell did I decide to get a degree in journalism? What was I thinking? Am I crazy? How I am going to make a living out of doing this? And shit, I wanted to become an author when I grew up; what the hell was I thinking?

I've questioned myself numerous times; that maybe writing isn't where I should focus myself. Maybe I should be focusing on getting a job in a different line of work and that I should quit writing. It isn't worth it; the nervousness, the questioning, the time. I should just stop, right now, while I can.

But, I can't. I can't quit writing, even when I haven't written for a few months because I've been so busy with work and I haven't had a "good" idea. I can't because this is something I love to do, because maybe I am good. Maybe I'm actually decent, I just can't see it and even if I'm not the greatest, I can continue to learn. I can continue to gain knowledge, continue to grown and learn and continue to write. Because, if I continue to learn and continue to write, maybe that dream will one day come true.

After all, you can't always assume things will just happen; you gotta keep moving to do that.


- - - - -

written for week one of therealljidol
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: i can't stop loving you ;; elvis presley
 
 
cross my heart.
17 October 2011 @ 04:05 pm
this is my declaration.

i am joining therealljidol again. i did it last year and sure, i didn't get the farthest, but i had a blast doing it. so, i'm going to do it again this year.

so, if you like writing and like reading other people's work, come on and join us! :D
 
 
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: law and order ;; television.
 
 
 
cross my heart.
22 February 2011 @ 12:58 pm

3/26/1995 - 2/22/11
r.i.p baby bop.


you we a sweetheart. you liked to be alone most of the time, but you still loved attention. still loved to be petted while you sat on the edge of the couch. you would purr and purr, but you hated being held. you would cry everytime somebody picked you up, but leave you alone and just pet you, everything was fine. you were around a long time - fifteen years. i loved every minute that you were around and it is going to be so different without you. but, we couldn't let you suffer any longer - it just won't be right. though, i know that you're up there with barney now and i know that you always missed him ever since he passed away. so, you're probably happy now. i'm sure even taz and dusty are happy to see you, too. :)

i miss you already and always will. ♥
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: (there'll be) peace in the valley (for me) ;; elvis
 
 
cross my heart.
08 December 2010 @ 06:03 pm
It is kind of ironic that 'balancing act' is the tiebreaker. At least, for me it does because for the past six months, I've been doing a balancing act between work and school.

I'm twenty-one years old, I go to college and I've had my job for three years so this balancing act isn't new, believe me. But, this year, life has gotten a little rougher for me.

First off, my mom lost her job in May, so that really cut back our monthly income. Then my grandma, who had gotten sick back in the beginning of the year, took a turn for the worst in June. She needed constant care and because, we didn't want to put her in a nursing home (and because we couldn't afford it), we took care of her at home. That ended up being a 24/7 job and so, I had to balance helping my grandmother with going to work 40 hours a week. She was at home till about two months before she passed away back in October. I miss her, but she is in a better place.

Though, my balancing act never stopped. Mom didn't find a job yet and school began. So, to keep making a good amount of money, and to insure I get insurance through my job for my mother and I, I have to work 25 plus hours a week. So, that is 25 plus hours a week at work, plus the 14 hours I go to school and then there is the homework I have. This semester, I've had to do an argumentative essay, many different news stories, a huge research paper (15 plus pages), a poster to go along with the research paper, team-led discussions in which a group and I had to discuss a chapter for the entire 50 minutes of class, law debates and of course, the reading assignments.

I know, that lists looks like a normal list of class stuff, but it is the balancing act. It is the doing all that homework, going to the classes, trying to work 25 plus hours a week and having that me time because, everybody needs that me time once in a while, I think (I know I need it). I'm not trying to complain here, I'm just stating my life and perhaps my balancing act isn't as bad as some other people's, but it is new to me. I haven't had this much to balance at one point in my life. It is new to me, to balance this much at this one time.

And, to be perfectly honest, I don't think I've balanced well because I'm rushing to get my final projects done by tomorrow night and studying for my final exams. Though, I don't think I'll ever know how to do it right 'cause there really isn't a right way to balance everything. Well, maybe there is, but for me, I don't think I'll actually get it. I've just got to do it and hope it works out for the best.



tiebreaker for therealljidol
 
 
Current Mood: worriedWORRIED
Current Music: harry potter and the goblet of fire ;; tv
 
 
cross my heart.
04 December 2010 @ 03:59 pm
alright. another week of therealljidol! :D thanks to all who read my entry last week. and, to those who voted! you're all awesome. ♥


week five.
theme: afterthought



Afterthought.

To be honest, I hate them. They’re annoying, plain and simple. Why? Because they’re after thoughts – you think about them after you do something.

Like, when you turn in a paper. You have it finished, ready to turn it in, thinking that it is perfect. It is only after the teacher takes it, stuffs it in his bag and leaves that you should have added that awesome quote from that fantastic source because that could have helped drive your argument home. It totally would have helped, but you can’t do anything about it now. I mean, you can’t really run after the teacher and ask them if you could please have your paper back because you forgot to add something (well, you could, but the teacher would probably look at you like you have three heads and refuse your request). So, you just hope your grade is still awesome.

Happens on tests, too. You got the answer, you write it down and then turn in the test and realize you should have added some other point, too.

Urgh. So annoying! At least, for me it is because it like sticks in my brain after it happens. I try to forget about it, but I can’t and it is frustrating. I mean, really it is only some tiny detail. My paper is totally fine without that stupid source; I backed up my argument well. And, that answer on the test, I gave enough information, so I should stop worrying.

Then, when I finally do stop worrying about it, I get the paper or the test back, and look! The teacher brings up the point I thought about after I turned it in.

Fuck you, afterthought.
 
 
Current Mood: busyBUSY
Current Music: crazy-flag ;; girugamesh
 
 
cross my heart.
sorry the updates haven't come recently. it's been a hard couple of weeks. i'll update you guys soon, i promise. :) but right now, i've got my entry for therealljidol here to share with you! :D (yes, i took the title from david archuleta's crush. whoo to me for being so creative. LOL)



topic: elephant in the room


We’ve been friends since seventh grade – nine years and for a good portion of those nine years, I’ve had this ridiculous crush on him. To be honest, I shouldn’t because he can be really annoying at times and all he likes to do is talk about his favorite television shows all the time, even when I have no idea what is going on in them. Of course, I listen because I am his friends, but sometimes, I want to tell him to “shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say, please”.

But, he’s my friend and we’ve been through a lot of a shit together and had ridiculously personal conversations. So, even after we hard our rough year in our sophomore year in high school where we barely spoke to each other, I still stayed his friend. I couldn’t really stop, even if I wanted to.

You know, I can’t really remember why we happened that year because, we did have our lockers still next to each other and we were in marching band together (he played alto sax and I played clarinet), but we just didn’t really talk like we had been. There were no late night phone calls that lasted till one in the morning, we didn’t have lunch together and we didn’t hang out. It was just a few small conversations here and there, but everything went back to normal when we hit our junior year and that’s when this whole ‘crush’ thing started.

I didn’t want to tell him because, to be honest, I’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch and well, I didn’t want my heart to get broken. Plus, I figured it was just a silly little crush, but by homecoming, I had let the beans spill. I think he had noticed something before, but whatever it was, I told him and then we had this long discussion about it that next day. It was a bunch of “well, I don’t really like you, but you’re a good friend, blah, blah, blah, blah” kind of crap.

So, I pushed it off. Ignored it and I did that for a long time. Sure, there were times when I was with him that I wanted to kiss him or wanted to at least try and convince him that we could have a relationship. At the same time, I just got so annoyed with him and how clingy he was and that he wouldn’t shut up about LOST (no offense to anyone who watches that show, it’s a great show, but when you hear about it for three hours and you’re not sure what is going on, it is rough).

It all hit a peak when we went to New York together our first spring break of college. RENT was closing and so, we wanted to see it on Broadway before that happened. Spring break was the perfect time. For an entire week, we were in New York and sharing a hotel room together. I didn’t think that would be rough because, at this point, I had figured I was over this ‘crush’. Apparently, I wasn’t because the entire time, I wanted to make a move, make out with him or just do something physical with him. But, I didn’t because, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take rejection if I tried to kiss him and I didn’t want to make it awkward for the rest of the trip. That wouldn’t be good.

After New York, when we got home, we were hanging out one night and I finally told him that I didn’t think I was over him and that we needed to talk. I had been ignoring this too long and he hadn’t said anything about my crush since that day after homecoming. So, we talked and he admitted that he had the urge to do stuff (though apparently, it went as far as making out and not that far, which is sometimes what I thought about) and I asked him if he wanted to make out. Bold of me, right?

At the time, the prospect was exciting. I remember my heart was pounding and I couldn’t believe that I was going to kiss him, but now I look back doing “why the hell did I do that?” because honestly? The guy couldn’t kiss to save his life. I mean, I wasn’t the greatest at it either, but it was just awkward and he just, he just didn’t understand it (to make it worse, it had taken him twenty minutes and two bathroom trips before we actually kissed).

Plus, now it’s a little awkward between the two of us. Sure, we’re back to normal (as normal as we can be cause we’re not that normal to begin with) and everything, but things just seem ‘off’. I sometimes want to bring up the kiss and say, “how did you feel after that?” and ask him if he think anything changed. No, I’m not looking for him to return my ‘crush’ because I think I’m passed it now. I think I’ve moved on, but I just want to know what he thought about that night. Does he feel that something shifted between us? Hell, I want to know how it felt for him! Was it enjoyable or was it the worst thing in the world? Did it change anything?

But, we don’t talk about it. It’s part of the past and why bring up the past, right?
 
 
Current Mood: lazyLAZY
Current Music: godspeed ;; mwk
 
 
cross my heart.
well, i made it through the first cut of therealljidol! :D thanks to all that voted for me. <3

and so now, it is on to week two of therealljidol!

this week's theme: deconstruction

(warning: vague mentions of abuse. if you don't like, don't read.)


johnny hides underneath
his batman sheets, hands clutching
them so tight his knuckles turn as white
as the snow falling softly outside.

a bottle smashes against the wall,
and he hears mommy wail
like that little girl in his class
who fell off the monkey bars
and scraped her knees.

daddy growls like the neighbor's dog
when a stranger gets too close.
johnny whimpers,
tears leaking from his eyes
like the bathroom faucet
that daddy has yet to fix.

the moon goes to sleep
and the sun wakes up.
a brand new day,
no memories of last night -
other than the black and blue blossom,
painted like the midnight sky
across mommy's pretty face.
 
 
Current Mood: restlessRESTLESS
Current Music: paradox ;; hans zimmer (inception soundtrack)