sorry the updates haven't come recently. it's been a hard couple of weeks. i'll update you guys soon, i promise. :) but right now, i've got my entry for therealljidol here to share with you! :D (yes, i took the title from david archuleta's crush. whoo to me for being so creative. LOL)topic:
elephant in the room
We’ve been friends since seventh grade – nine years
and for a good portion of those nine years, I’ve had this ridiculous crush on him. To be honest, I shouldn’t
because he can be really annoying at times and all he likes to do is talk about his favorite television shows all the time
, even when I have no idea
what is going on in them. Of course, I listen because I am
his friends, but sometimes, I want to tell him to “shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say, please”.
But, he’s my friend and we’ve been through a lot of a shit together and had ridiculously personal conversations. So, even after we hard our rough year in our sophomore year in high school where we barely spoke to each other, I still stayed his friend. I couldn’t really stop
, even if I wanted to.
You know, I can’t really remember why
we happened that year because, we did have our lockers still next to each other and we were in marching band together (he played alto sax and I played clarinet), but we just didn’t really talk like we had been. There were no late night phone calls that lasted till one in the morning, we didn’t have lunch together and we didn’t hang out. It was just a few small conversations here and there, but everything went back to normal when we hit our junior year and that’s when this whole ‘crush’ thing started.
I didn’t want to tell him because, to be honest, I’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch and well, I didn’t want my heart to get broken. Plus, I figured it was just a silly little crush, but by homecoming, I had let the beans spill. I think he had noticed something before, but whatever it was, I told him and then we had this long discussion about it that next day. It was a bunch of “well, I don’t really like you, but you’re a good friend, blah, blah, blah, blah” kind of crap.
So, I pushed it off. Ignored it and I did that for a long time. Sure, there were times when I was with him that I wanted to kiss him or wanted to at least try
and convince him that we could have a relationship. At the same time, I just got so annoyed with him and how clingy he was and that he wouldn’t shut up
about LOST (no offense to anyone who watches that show, it’s a great show, but when you hear about it for three hours and you’re not sure what is going on
, it is rough).
It all hit a peak when we went to New York together our first spring break of college. RENT was closing and so, we wanted to see it on Broadway before that happened. Spring break was the perfect time. For an entire week, we were in New York and
sharing a hotel room together. I didn’t think that would be rough because, at this point, I had figured I was over this ‘crush’. Apparently, I wasn’t because the entire time, I wanted to make a move, make out with him or just do something physical
with him. But, I didn’t because, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take rejection if I tried to kiss him and I didn’t want to make it awkward for the rest of the trip. That wouldn’t be good.
After New York, when we got home, we were hanging out one night and I finally
told him that I didn’t think I was over him and that we needed to talk. I had been ignoring this too long and he hadn’t said anything about my crush since that day after homecoming. So, we talked and he admitted that he had the urge to do stuff (though apparently, it went as far as making out and not that
far, which is sometimes what I thought about) and I asked him if he wanted to make out. Bold of me, right?
At the time, the prospect was exciting. I remember my heart was pounding and I couldn’t believe that I was going to kiss him, but now I look back doing “why the hell did I do that?” because honestly? The guy couldn’t kiss to save his life. I mean, I wasn’t the greatest at it either, but it was just awkward and he just, he just didn’t understand it (to make it worse, it had taken him twenty minutes and two bathroom trips before we actually kissed
Plus, now it’s a little awkward between the two of us. Sure, we’re back to normal (as normal as we can be cause we’re not that
normal to begin with) and everything, but things just seem ‘off’. I sometimes want to bring up the kiss and say, “how did you feel after that?” and ask him if he think anything changed. No, I’m not looking for him to return my ‘crush’ because I think I’m passed it now. I think I’ve moved on, but I just want to know what he thought about that night. Does he feel that something shifted between us? Hell, I want to know how it felt for him! Was it enjoyable or was it the worst thing in the world? Did it change anything
But, we don’t talk about it. It’s part of the past and why bring up the past, right?